Thursday, June 25, 2009

The G.O.A.T. 5 - Douchebags

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Biggest Douchbags



5. Anybody that uses Twitter

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Really Timmy, you’re having a ham sandwich for lunch? WHO GIVES A FUCK! Doesn't affect my life in anyway. I hope your next twitter is "Choking on my ham sandwich" Go do something productive you egotistical prick!


4. Sarah Palin



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Why won't this monstrosity go away? Dumber then a wall! Go shoot a moose and look at Russia through your window! And the whole thing with David Lettermen really pissed me off! Sorry but your daughter is a whore! And you’re a bad mother. Funny she is against abortion when she should have been aborted, her slutty daughter should have been aborted, and that retard kid she had should have been aborted. She's a walking billboard for the great things abortion can do!


3. Bill O'Reilly



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I think he is just senile at this point because most of the things he says just don't make any sense whatsoever.


2. Elisabeth Hasselbeck


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That’s right I watch the view every once in a while, so what. If you have ever watched this cunt rag for more then 2 minutes you know exactly what I’m talking about! I hope one of this homophobe's kids turns out gay! How did she even get the job? She was on Survivor, and you know the people who go on reality shows are all nut cases. Yeah let’s spend a month in the jungle that sounds fun?


1. Rush Limbaugh



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I don't think there is any explanation needed here. He's a lunatic! A drug addict! A right wing nut case! A big pumpkin headed fuck! Isn’t scoring oxycotton from a Mexican illegal? Why isn’t he in jail?

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The G.O.A.T. 5 - Hot Chicks

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Hottest Chicks in Entertainment




5. MIRANDA KERR

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4. CHRISTINA AGUILERA

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3. JULIANN HOUGH

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2. MILA KUNIS

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1. NICOLE SCHERZINGER

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Big Fish Recap 6/24/2009: Awesome



We are Champions, but the Mission is not over yet.


The Cobra Kai knew their mission to capture their first league championship was not going to come easy and they were going to have to bounce back after their rusty outing last game to have any chance at their mission. “My boys put together one of their best all around game, and I’m proud of them for sticking to the task at hand” Capt. Tucci said after the game. “Everybody knew what was at stake for this game, but we really just tried to remain focused and taking it one game at a time” Sully said at the post game conference.

The Kai’s came out focused and ready and Top Shelf was rattled from the get go as they could just feel the Kai’s were about to unleash their No Mercy assassin style bats after being silenced the week before. “I told their pitcher before the game he better watch out, we are amped and ready to go” The Swami AKA the Big E told reporters after the game. The Swami truly lived up to his name predicting a 12 run onslaught before the game. The Big E, who showed up to the park in his assassin uniform complete with the Black brimmed hat was the Kai’s hard hitting and sharp dressed leader in the outfield and made sure the Kai’s followed through on his 12 run prediction.

After the Swami got in their pitchers head he walked the two first batters and soon thereafter the Kai’s unleashed on them to jump out to an 8-0 lead. Everybody contributed to the Kai’s offense even Sully came off the bench to provide a clutch 2 run single in the bottom of the 4th inning as he is groomed and ready to jump into the Kai’s after learning the ropes on the run this season. “The Cobra Kai are a unique team, and you grow up wanting to be a member of them from a young age. It has been my dream come true when I first donned that uniform, but nothing in your life can prepare you for the feeling of walking out onto Red Bug Lake field in that Cobra Kai jersey” Sully said after he was told the Kai’s wrapped up the season championship with one game left.

The Don Juan helped raise his league leading OBP to .892 as the Kai’s bats were rolling and striking with vengeance. Third Baseman Spragues waited until the bases were empty to unleash his first triple of the year.

However, it wasn’t only the bats that lead the Kai’s to victory it was their defensive effort that helped seal the deal on their championship season. Koko was channeling his inner Plastic man and was over the field patrolling the right side of the infield and snagging everything his way. The story of the night for Top Shelf pretty much played out like the first inning over and over. The first swing of the bat by Top Shelf produced a sharp grounder to Johnny Blaze who snatched the ball while Koko sprinted to first base to cover and as he turned around the ball was there. The solid pop of Koko’s rawhide glove being peppered with grounders he was snatching all night signaled a fantastic defensive effort for the Kai’s and it meant an imminent demise for Top Shelf.

However, the best defensive effort of the night was displayed by our fleet of foot Left fielder Mikey Lemieux running down unruly fly balls trying to drop in down the left field fence. Mikey made play after play robbing Top Shelf of any chance of putting together a comeback. To mere mortals there was no room to make that catch, but Mikey is not playing like a mere mortal. “I heard the Big E tell me I had room, so I just stayed focused on the ball and lead it into my glove. I was not going to let anything deter us from winning that trophy” Mikey said after the game.

In true, no mercy form my troops kept playing until the game ended despite holding an 8 run lead going into the 5th inning. With this victory under the Kai’s belt we wrapped up our first league championship and quite possibly the greatest team and season in Club and Red Bug Lake history. However, we accomplished our goal but the mission is not yet finished as we have one more game to go this Friday.

The Team celebrated in style and got ready to send off Big Daddy Doc Gutierrez to his holy matrimony and call up to our St. Pete’s affiliates. The Beer was flowing and so were the Cobra Kai’s as the team raised their glasses time and time again to our teammate and brother in arms Rich Gutierrez. He will be missed but never forgotten.

Well, The Kai look to finish our mission and raise the trophy this week at 7:30 under the Friday Night lights!
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Thursday, June 18, 2009

Big Fish Recap 6/18/2009 - Blame It On The Rain




The Green Bar wanted to prove they belonged in the contention for Red Bug Lake title and they could compete with league powerhouse Cobra Kai. Well, they did that and then some Friday night with smothering defense and solid pitching that shut down the usually deadly Cobra Kia offense. It was an unusually quite night for the Kai’s bats as what can only be blamed on their 3 week hiatus due to rain storms that ravished Central Florida. “The Kai’s are a momentum driven team, and we lost our mojo for a game because of our long layoff and the fact our leadoff didn’t set the pace right out of the gates” The Swami noted after the game. “ I have full confidence the rust was shaken and Top Shelf better watch out for our Shake and Bake hitting this Friday as we are about to unleash hell on their pitchers. I can guarantee we will score our usual 12 runs and then add another 6 to make up for last Friday” The Swami added.

Mad Dog was on his game pitching a solid outing and the defense behind him was solid but the Green Bar just found the gaps while the Cobra Kai’s only found leather. “Over a long summer season, there is usually one game when you come out with no life, and that is what we suffered from last Friday….but I know my troops won’t suffer the same consequence this Friday” Capt. Tucci yelled to reporters after a brief post game interview.

The Kai’s posted 2 runs in a club low hitting effort as the Green Bar were tested after the game for PED’s and Plastic Man dosages as they were all over the field snatching up every single Cobra Kai shot their way. “Our bats were swinging and we were hitting the ball, they just were not falling as the Green Bar had something going on out there with their gloves, personally I think they were using Clifford Franklin oil to keep track of the ball. But that is neither here nor there, so I will not go there” Roundhouse Reger said after the game.

“I’ve never seen somebody get robbed so much as we did tonight. The Swami got his payback as he usually abuses Right Fielders, well he is the one that got the short end of the stick as their right fielder stumbled into his line shots all night” Johnny Blaze said after the game. “They came out with a vengeance and I think they juiced up on Kryptonite cause this was their Championship game and they didn’t want to let Superman take them deep again” Koko muttered in the dugout.

Well, it was good to get the loss out of the way. Now we can regain our focus on winning a championship and the pressure of a perfect season is out the way. “Mikey stated at the games end.

The Kai look to regain their footing in their pursuit of a championship season Friday night as they send off Big Daddy Gutierrez into the sunset as he plays in possibly his last game Friday as he got the call-up to the Kai’s affiliate in St. Petersburg.

Well, like my good friend Forrest Gump likes to say “That’s all I have to say about that.” The Kai look to unleash on Top Shelf this Friday at 6:30. See You under the Friday Night Lights.
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Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Hangover

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Milestone films only come along a few times in a generation. And when a comedy, especially one rated “R,” achieves the same success at the summer box office as the big-budget action sequels, you might have something very special on your hands. Movie buffs can argue all day long over which films are the quintessential representatives of their specific genres. For instance, the nod for best sports comedy can ping pong between Caddyshack and Major League depending on whom you talk to. Also, the battle for most hilarious parody can be won by just about any Mel Brooks film or Airplane. But when it comes to a single man’s last night of ultimate debauchery, “the one” of the group has always been 1984’s Bachelor Party starring Tom Hanks. Well 25 years later, there is finally a new Neo.

Doug Billings (Justin Bartha, National Treasure) is getting married and his best friends, Phil (Bradley Cooper, Wedding Crashers) and Stu (Ed Helms, “The Office”) have the incredibly original idea of taking him to Las Vegas for his bachelor party. Along with Doug’s future brother-in-law Alan (Zach Galifianakis, The Comedians of Comedy) the foursome tries to redefine the definition of the word “party.” However, this monumental night comes with equally awe-inspiring consequences as Phil, Stu, and Alan awake in their dismantled hotel suite with zero recollection of the past night’s events. Oh and one more thing, the groom is missing.

With The Hangover, director Todd Phillips scores his biggest success since Old School in 2003. Only this time he was able to pull off the same kind of hilarity with much lesser known actors. Cooper, Helms, and Galifianakis are all fine comedic actors in their own right, but let’s face it; they are no Ferrell, Wilson, and Vaughn. So instead of character driven scenes, The Hangover is fueled by reactions to absurd scenarios. Cooper and Helms convincingly portray the insanity of the situations happening around them. When the characters are more shocked than the audience, it helps to reign in some of the more far-fetched absurdities. At first glance, Galifianakis’ oddball, savant-like character seems to be of the more contrived variety, but anyone who is familiar with his brand of comedy will just see Zach being Zach.

This film’s script is very funny and well written. Although some of the sight gags fell a little flat as it becomes more and more formidable to shock today’s audiences. Also, there are not a lot of moments were your lungs are completely void of oxygen, but overall The Hangover keeps the viewer laughing throughout the entire film, especially the very rewarding ending.

Just like Bachelor Party, The Hangover will probably be that film in a dad’s DVD collection that they just can’t wait to share with their son when they hit the right age. Unfortunately, the right age will always be 2 or 3 years too soon for mom.

Story: 8.5
Acting: 8.0
Writing: 8.0
Captivation: 8.5
Replay Value: 9.0

Total = 8.4

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Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Terminator: Salvation



The Terminator mythos is one of the most intricate and complex in science fiction history. Although its story timeline is ever changing due to the constant time-travel theme, die-hard fans are still quite aware that the entire story revolves around the ultimate plot hole of all time. With that irritant accepted, fans were looking to this fourth installment of the series to not only answer some debated-to-death questions, but also to kickoff a post-apocalyptic trilogy. Regrettably, Terminator: Salvation’s primary mission appears to be to widen existing plot holes and blast a few more into the already swiss cheese storyline. Its mission was a dreadful success.

Terminator: Salvation picks up in the year 2018, 15 years after the lukewarm reception of T3. John Conner is not yet the indisputable leader of the resistance against Skynet and its Terminator machines. There appear to be some experienced military personnel that have survived the apocalypse and are very weary of letting a civilian like Conner run the show. However, Conner has captured the heart of the resistance members due to his prophetic knowledge of Skynet and his unshakable confidence that they will win the war. But when a new model of cyborg shows up, Conner is not sure whether to make friend or foe of it; an alternate future to the one his mother warned him about may have emerged.

Terminator and T2: Judgment Day were both directed and written by James Cameron. When T3 went into production Cameron was gone, and along with him went the grit and overall feel of the Terminator genre. T3 felt like a Rolex that was purchased on Canal Street. It had all the right parts, but it just felt disingenuous. Terminator: Salvation has trouble just trying to be a copy of a copy.

The story centers around Marcus Wright, played by Sam Worthington. Immediately the story is flawed when John Conner is the secondary character. Marcus is a convict in the year 2003 and sentenced to death for crimes that are never fully disclosed, this is just the beginning of the question mounting that goes on in this film. Right before his sentence is to be carried out, he donates his body to a company that was originally responsible for the creation of Skynet until the events of T2 transpired. Somehow Marcus awakes in the year 2018 transformed into a very advanced cyborg that runs on a supercharged human heart. Although Worthington plays this part very well and is actually featured in the film just as much as Christian Bale’s John Conner, the character has no development at all. Nor does any other character for that matter. Marcus Wright is just dropped into the story with no real explanation in a series where everything depends on details. Ironically, Christian Bale gives as robotic a performance as the machines he is fighting. It just seemed like he never really bought into his character. Another mistake was not bringing back Claire Danes from T3 as Kate Brewster, John’s wife. Instead Bryce Dallas Howard, (Spider-Man 3), throws in an excruciatingly vapid effort as the now pregnant Kate Connor. Not that any of these actors had great dialogue to work with. The script is childlike, and director McG (Charlie’s Angles) is inept at handling a heavy sci-fi story. There was some nice eye candy in the form of action scenes, but even they became inconsistent and nonsensical as the machines intelligence and abilities kept shifting throughout the film.

The Terminator story counts so heavily on everything making total sense because every plot device is in an infinite orbit around a monstrous and accepted plot hole. I’m of course talking about the infinite time loop of Kyle Reese. In The Terminator, Kyle Reese was a soldier sent back in time by John Conner to protect his mother Sarah from a Terminator also sent back in time to kill her before she ever gives birth to John. Where things get really sticky is when Kyle is revealed to be John’s father after he shared an intimate relation with Sarah while on his mission to save her. This is where brains bleed out from the audiences’ ears. If Kyle is the father, how was John ever born the first time to send him back to become his father? Everyone loves The Terminator and T2 so much, that this was eventually just accepted by the fans in hopes that it would someday be explained. However it’s because of this that everything else in the Terminator universe must be detailed and make perfect sense. Terminator: Salvation blows down the proverbial house of cards that the series stands on by crowbarring in new characters with no explanation, leaving established characters blowing in the wind, and ignoring the chance to finally answer the biggest questions in the Terminator saga.


Story: 4.5
Acting: 5.0
Writing: 4.0
Captivation: 6.0
Replay Value: 6.5

Total: 5.2